2000 Dates

“So, uhhh… where do you want to go?”

“You mean you haven’t planned anything???”

“Well, uh, no. Not really.”

“Forget it. Just forget it.”

We started “date nights” early in our marriage. It was a ‘thing’ that grew out of our church culture. The concept made sense: A relationship takes investment. And the pace of early married life, with developing careers, young kids, trying to make ends meet, warranted the idea. So, yeah, I’ll make one night a week special and take the time to get reacquainted with this person with whom I pledged to spend my life. However, the execution of that concept would require transformation.

Reasons for having a “date night” proved to be the obstacles to pulling it off:

• Money’s tight. “Uh, we really can’t afford to do that…”
• Young kids. “What do you mean you couldn’t find a babysitter?” “It’s going to cost how much?”
• Developing careers. “You didn’t plan anything?” “I meant to check into it at lunch, but then this meeting came up.”
• Fast pace. “Ready to go?” “I’m just too tired to do anything tonight.”

Add to that competing desires and expectations:

“What would it cost to get a hotel room for a few hours?”

“You promised we’d go through those marriage assessment questions together.”

A good part of my memories from the early years of ‘date nights’ was regularly messing up — not foreseeing one thing or another; not being prepared; not reading my wife well. I guess there’s nothing we start off good at, but then, most things I have to learn, don’t involve adding tension to my closest relationship.

Looking back, I think we turned a corner when we learned to change our expectations. And it took years. In selling the idea of ‘date night’, the best of what it could bring was emphasized. After all, if I’m going through the work of establishing a life habit, there better be a pretty nice carrot as the reward. Unfortunately, like most life goals, the greatest rewards are long term. And there is always a cost and a learning curve.

In time, the rhythm of a weekly night out served us. We came to know each other. We came to know ourselves. We discovered so many ways to make a memory nearby, with little cost. But best of all, we did all this together. The process of growing in this discipline was itself a reward, and maybe the greatest reward.

We have now realized over forty years of weekly date nights. That’s over 2000 dates! Kind of staggering when you think about it. Over the past decade, season of life has allowed “date nights” to be replaced by “date days”. We could (and perhaps should) write a book about the plethora of activities which couples can do together.

For us, what we did revolved around who we are and what we enjoyed:

• Physical Activity — There was a lot of hiking, biking, and kayaking.
• Learning & Input — Museums, libraries, book stores, guided tours. (Note: the worst $15 I ever saved was not paying for the audio tour at Alcatraz Island. Yvonne was sick from the dramamine she took for the boat ride over, and without the audio headphones, Alcatraz was a walk in a wet and dark cavern.)
• Food & Drink — For me, always experiencing the new and unusual.
• Places of Beauty — Seasides, mountains, gardens, forests, sunsets.

However, when I asked Yvonne her highlight, it was having my undivided attention. I have long been involved in work where the expectation was always to be on call. Middle of the night and weekend phone calls were not unusual. And the email inbox was probably never less than 500 unanswered. Shutting that down, even for a small amount of time, unfortunately took effort. If I knew then what I know now…

Today, we continue to prioritize date day, and protect it — arguably even more so. Because even with greater resources, no little ones, and established careers, we still have plenty of obstacles to ‘making it happen’. The difference is, we have tasted the sweet fruit of investing.